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(curtains open back up, with Noel half sitting, half leaning position, while all the other Titans stand around him in the shadows, including the new ones Gauntlet and Savior. Beast Boy is strumming on a guitar)


“Hey there.” Noel said. “This story was written back in November 2003…a lot has changed…one of those things is my character. Back then…I was pretty emo, torn apart, all that stuff…but as the stories went on…well, some people have said more then a few things. So I figure…I’m gonna address this once and for all. You just have to understand…”


Noel: I'm just a regular Joe, with an unusual job

I'm white and I’m male, though I’m sure not a slob

I like football and pizza and books about war

I live in a T, with armored windows and floors

My girl and my team, tough job with no pay!

And the vitriol I spew, every second of each day…


But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested…

(oh no, no way, uh uh)

You’d think that I’d be better, cause I sure hell ain’t dense!

(Uh uhh, nope nope, no no)

Perhaps it speaks of the flaws of the person I am…

(Yeppers, mmm-hmmmm, dah dah!)

But I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense!

(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane!

While people behind me are going insane!

Why?


I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole!)

I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole, such an asshole!)


I use public toilets and I piss on the seat!

I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"


I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole!)

I'm an asshole! (he's the world's biggest asshole!)


Sometimes my fist, goes in really bad places!

While really bad people make really sad faces!


I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole!)

I'm an asshole! (he's a real fucking asshole!)


Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song…

Ranting and raving and carrying on…

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong…

…Nah.


I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole!)

I'm an asshole! (he's the world's biggest asshole!)


(Noel stops singing and starts speaking, despite the music going on in the background still)


Noel: You know what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible

Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps

And all leather cow interior

And make brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah!)

And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour

Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,

Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's

In the old fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers

And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side

And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it

You know why, because we've got the bombs, that's why

2 words, nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?!

Russia, Germany, Romania

They can have all the democracy they want

They can have a big democracy cakewalk

Right through the middle of Tianamen Square

and it won't make a lick of difference

Because we've got the bombs, OK?!

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen,

And as soon as we find a cure for cancer

We're gonna thaw out the Duke

And he's gonna be pretty pissed off

You know why,

Have you ever taken a cold shower?

Well multiply that by 15 million times

That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be!

I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,

And Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckenthorp, and a case of whiskey,

And drive down to Texas...


(Cyborg: Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?

(song starts up again)

I'm an asshole! (he's an asshole!)

I'm an asshole! (he's the world's biggest asshole!)


All Titans: A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

Noel: Everybody!

Titans: A-S-S-H-O-L-E!


(music starts fading, as Noel pulls out a remote. He speaks his final line)


Noel: I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.


(He aims it at the screen. Click. Blackness)